Not All Daddies Are The Same

April 9, 2019

Gay culture, not unlike other cultures, is often perceived to be all about stereotypes. This is never truer than in any of the 'named' cultures (Bear, Leather, S&M, etc.). The ‘Daddy/hunter’ community is no different. As a Daddy who spends a lot of time, much too much time, I have to admit, online chatting, I get frustrated when I hear perfectly attractive hunters bemoaning the fact they can’t find a Daddy to date because they aren’t (insert stereotypical requirement here): young, slender, smooth, tall, athletic, etc.

Really, guys, Daddies don't all expect, require, or desire the same things. All you need to do is spend 5 minutes perusing the Daddyhunt profiles to see that, just like Daddies exist in all different shapes and sizes, Daddies have every different kind of taste and interest imaginable. You can find profiles of Daddies looking for girlie guys, masculine guys, tall guys, short guys, hairy guys, smooth guys, and on and on and on.

Some Daddies seem to prefer only younger, smoother, etc., but not all. Not every Daddy lives up to the presumed stereotype. Not all Daddies spend their entire lives chronically in search of some 'perfect' guy who meets some idealized, unrealistic standard. Okay, I admit, Daddies do tend to prefer that the guys they desire find older guys appealing, but then, who of us doesn’t want to be thought of as sexy? I know THIS DADDY certainly does! Not all Daddies have some unreasonable expectation that any guy they pursue be both perfect and static (i.e. always looking young and hot, etc.).

Okay, stereotypes exist for a reason. Sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, people live up to one stereotype or another. Most people don’t. The trick is finding a way for the ‘right’ Daddy to meet the ‘right’ hunter. That is the beauty of online communities like Daddyhunt. Such venues are safe places where we can share information about who we are, what we seek, and what it is we have to offer, affording us unique opportunities to form connections with those with whom we have complimentary interests. So, buck up, guys, it has worked for me, it can work for you. I promise.

At least this is what THIS DADDY thinks.

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Comments

Hello anonymous daddy,
We agree with much of what you say in your open letter to DaddyHunt participants (April 9 2019). As older, paying supporters of DaddyHunt - and people who recently blogged similar thoughts to yours (only to be met by silence from all who use this app) - we wonder whether such reflection and forethought is rarely considered in the anxious, self-centering world of
gay online dating.

You raise important issues about “gay daddies”. Or to use less cute language: older men who seek the sexual and romantic company of younger men. We make this distinction for good reason. For although DaddyHunt was designed to connect older and younger men, it should go without saying that if a young gay man grew up feeling the loss of his father, then psychologically it would probably be ill advised for him to pursue an older man for sexual intimacy, if he senses this association alone will heal his childhood loss. In short, where older men can, and many of us would like to mentor young men, we are never fathers to our younger lovers.

Yes, gay culture is littered with stereotypes. And this both serves and dis-serves people, depending on whether a gay man has “manufactured” himself to be a stereotype of the gay economy; or, whether he has refused to be anything other than the non-stereotypical gay male he is.

To our way of thinking, stereotyping has been extremely useful for the entrepreneurial mandarins of our culture, in that stereotypical models have conveniently reduced the complexities of relationship to the promise of an idealised hunter (an American term): a young man who is powerfully built, and ever sexually ready. Given the industry that goes in to maintaining such perfection, naturally enough, idealised hunters generally seek their idealised counterparts. That is, daddies who the media suggests are impossibly handsome at fifty, sixty or seventy years; independently wealthy, sexually self-assured, and worldly-wise.

Peel away the fantasy of online dating and we are left with the discovery that genuine human connection is rare; whatever your age, ethnicity, state of health, sexual preference, gender, or income. We two older Australians may know little of what it means to be an eighteen year-old gay man today. However, what we do know is a degree of emotional maturity is essential to the success and longevity of any relationship.

M & P Melbourne

Reading the above comment it's all about the physical side of things, and of course it's naturally the first thing our eyes register on seeing someone in life or online, but for me - and am I alone? - the real turn on is mental. I'm turned on by all sorts of guys superficially for physical reasons but the real turn on is psychologically: the heart, the brain. After 30 years of the 'scene' I fear i'm in an autistic minority....

I'm 72, and think I'm in very good shape for my age. Am I too old to be a daddy or am I now a "Grandpa"? I figure it's all attitude and frame of mind. I'm seeking a guy between 25 and 50 who takes care of himself both physically and mentally. Am I in a minority with a limited marketability?

Words like "shallow" and "superficial" are frequently used in reaction to a rejection, revealing a failure to recognize and accept that physical and personality attributes are a valid and fundamental part of sexual preference. As gay men, we expect others to respect, as a practical reality, the fact that we are not sexually attracted to women. So then, why do gay men not also accept, automatically among themselves, the fact that we are additionally not sexually attracted to various other attributes beyond just gender? Rarely have I ever experienced the other guy accepting the word "no" with grace and dignity. Instead, there is usually a barrage of retaliatory words spewed out in a desperate but lame attempt to camouflage a damaged ego having a meltdown. An oppressed minority that advocates for respect of sexual preference and demands marriage equality, becomes hypocritical when the typical behavior within the culture is unable to cope with rejection among peers, and chooses to hijack every dating app for conversion to virtually exclusive use as a hookup app, which is really where the words "shallow" and "superficial" are most suitable.